Thursday, July 31, 2008

How to pick up heavy things

Let's start by showing how you shouldn't pick up heavy things:



I call this the "bend over" lifting method. It's very dangerous, as it can lead to this:



When I was a wee teenager, for no reason* I tried a different method of lifting:



I call this the Marquez Lift, and it is the best lifting method I've found so far (not that I've been looking.) To do it, extend one of your legs far behind you, then pick up the heavy thing. You'll notice that the heavy thing will actually feel lighter than it should, and your back won't be in the same sort of pain as the standard bend over method. The whole process will take a lot less effort overall.

And notice that, unlike the bend over method, this isn't a sexually submissive posture. Au contraire, the extended leg implies a swift kick to the would-be penetrator's crotch.

It might seem dumb at first sight, but that's probably because you don't realize how heavy your legs are. The weight of the extended leg, combined with the lever effect that it creates which counterbalances your forward weight and the weight of the heavy object, actually makes for a comfortable lifting posture.

But not only does it effectively make the object lighter, it also doesn't crack your back open in a zig-zag pattern. The reason is that the posture encourages rotation of the hips, like so:




Due to the extended leg. This means you're more in a cartwheel-like posture than in a painful bending one. Cartwheel > painful bending.

* This is a lie.